Outside A Dog

Blech. I had a pretty unsatisfying weekend — well, as far as books go, at least.

I started off with If I Am Missing Or Dead: A Sister’s Story of Love, Murder and Liberation by Janine Latus. From the title and the inside jacket information, I assumed that this book would focus on events surrounding the death of the author’s sister, Amy. And you know what they say about assuming things: by the end of the novel, I felt like I had fallen for a bait-and-switch. This story is, instead, primarily about the author and her own struggles with abusive relationships and insecurity issues. I suppose that Janine’s story can be seen as running parallel to Amy’s — both sisters struggled with poor relationship choices and verbal and physical abuse in those relationships. Thankfully, Janine was eventually able to escape the marriage that was making her miserable. Amy, unfortunately, was not so lucky, and was murdered by her live-in boyfriend.

Janine Latus writes well, and her story is alternately horrifying and compelling. It was so strange to sit and read about this otherwise strong, accomplished woman taking this hellacious abuse for years — all because she craves the love and affection of her husband, and will do whatever she can to please him, at her own expense. Janine moved out of her house at 18, put herself though school while working various lousy jobs, raised three children, and became an accomplished journalist — all while putting up with abusive behavior that she thought she deserved. It just doesn’t compute, but it’s an honest look into the mind and life of a battered woman, and it might help to answer the question that anyone may ask of such a woman: ‘well, why did you stay with him so long?’

After Amy’s death, Janine wonders why there was so much that Amy didn’t tell her, then realizes that there was so much about her own abusive relationship that Janine had been covering up from her friends and family. It’s a telling moment.

But something just irks me about this book, and I can’t really figure it out. Maybe it’s frustration at seeing women such as Janine and Amy give up their lives — figuratively and literally — for the men who treat them badly. Maybe it’s just annoyance at the thousandth description of the demeaning outfits that Janine’s now ex-husband picked out for her to wear in public. And I certainly wanted to hear more about Amy. If I Am Missing Or Dead is a good read, but I think it could have done with a little extra tweaking.